The Rigatoni Report – September 2026: RTO & Lower Temps

From Rigatoni's Desk

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM: PASS THE RIGATONI

To

All Working Dog Parents

From

Rigatoni, Chief Excitement Officer

Re

The Return to Office (And Lower Temps)

Date

September 2026

Team. As operating temperatures drop, I am pleased to announce my transition back to the main rug, effective immediately. The hallway AC vent served its purpose. It will be missed the way one misses a difficult colleague: fondly, and only in the abstract.

Three items remain on the docket:

Holiday Designation: A renewed push for official corporate recognition of a holiday in my name. The August hearing did not, in fact, "definitely" happen. I have updated the grievance filing accordingly and added a footnote about scheduling.
Kibble Audit: A strict, line-item review of the evening kibble distribution schedule. Preliminary findings suggest a pattern of delays. A full report is forthcoming, assuming cooperation from Facilities.
Q4 Nap Efficiency: Metrics review begins this month. Early data is promising. I nap efficiently. I have always napped efficiently.

The mail carrier situation remains open and, per counsel, will not be discussed further in writing.

This is Issue No. 006. Rigatoni has now been operational for six consecutive months without incident, a streak that continues to go unmentioned out loud, for reasons previously stated.

- Rigatoni (CEO)

Subscribers Only

A brief, unofficial account of the rug reclamation

The move happened without ceremony. One morning the AC vent tile was occupied. The next, it was not, and the main rug had a new full-time resident. No transition memo was circulated. No one asked him to leave. He simply left, the way executives do when the season no longer serves them.

Facilities has noted the rug now runs slightly warmer than the tile, a change Rigatoni describes as "acceptable, under the circumstances." The circumstances, for the record, are that it is September and he is done discussing it.

From the Feed

This month's top reel. Rigatoni takes customer calls the way we all do.

Headset on, laptop up, fully in character: Rigatoni dialing a customer and hoping, quietly but visibly, that the call rolls to voicemail so the notes can read "Called customer, left voicemail" and everyone can move on with their day. Every working dog parent recognized the bit instantly. That's still the whole strategy.

Most Shared · Last 30 Days

This month's top reel.

Watch ↗

Riggie-Approved

The company store remains open. He checks in on it occasionally.

No new SKUs to report this month, but the "Do Not Disturb" tee, the company mug, the Conference Call Bingo mouse pad, and the sticker pack are all still in stock and still, per Rigatoni, "correctly priced."

Pass The Rigatoni Shop merch collage: Out of Office tee, Conference Call Bingo mouse pad, Do Not Disturb tee, My Dog Is My Boss mug, and Rigatoni stickers

Still Open

shop.passtherigatoni.com

Subscribers still get first access and a discount: use code SUBSCRIBER15 for 15% off.

Shop The Store

Executive Order No. 6

Forward this to a coworker who'd actually read a memo like this

You know the one. Sends memes instead of status updates. Has opinions about corporate jargon. Would 100% subscribe if they knew this existed. Rigatoni is asking you to fix that.

Forward the Memo
Or Email It Directly

What's Coming

October: the kibble audit findings. Allegedly final.

Rigatoni says the kibble audit will wrap "by October, most likely." Subscribers may recall similar language used about the holiday hearing. He is aware of the pattern and has chosen not to address it.

Rigatoni's Desk

The Rigatoni Report – September 2026: RTO & Lower Temps

The Rigatoni Report – August 2026: Company Store Launch & AC Vent Access

The Rigatoni Report – July 2026: A Formal Grievance Has Been Filed

The Rigatoni Report - June 2026