The Rigatoni Report – August 2026: Company Store Launch & AC Vent Access

The Rigatoni Report: August 2026

The company store is open. Rigatoni set the prices himself. ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

From Rigatoni's Desk

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM: PASS THE RIGATONI

All Working Dog Parents

From

Rigatoni, Chief Excitement Officer

Dog Days of Summer & Company Store Launch

Date

August 2026

Team. It has come to my attention that this period of the calendar is officially referred to as the "Dog Days of Summer." I was not consulted on the naming, but I am accepting full credit regardless. Overdue recognition is still recognition.

The holiday-renaming hearing promised for August has not yet convened. I am told this is due to "scheduling." I have noted the delay in my records and will be referencing it at future proceedings. The mail carrier situation also remains open. No further comment at this time, per counsel.

A status update:

Facilities: Operating temperature has been flagged as "unreasonable." Response has been to relocate to the tile floor near the AC vent and remain there indefinitely.
New Initiative: The company store is now open for business. Details below. I set the prices myself and stand by all of them.
Headcount: Still one. Still fine with it.

We move forward. Slowly. In the shade. Both open items from July remain open and will be revisited next issue.

This is Issue No. 005. Rigatoni has now been operational for five consecutive months without incident, a streak he has stopped mentioning out loud for fear of jinxing it.

- Rigatoni (CEO)

Subscribers Only

A brief, unofficial account of how the CEO handles heat

Officially, Rigatoni's position on high summer temperatures is one of calm, seasoned leadership. Unofficially, his position is the tile floor by the AC vent, where he has now spent enough consecutive hours to qualify for some kind of tenure.

Walks have been rescheduled to the margins of the day, early enough that the pavement hasn't had time to form opinions yet. He has not complained, which subscribers will recognize as its own kind of complaint. The Sitter Care Sheet from last issue, incidentally, has a new addendum: "AC vent access, non-negotiable."

From the Feed

The one that broke containment. Rigatoni still hasn't fully processed it.

Headset on, tie straight, staring down a computer screen: "when the email says 'any update on this?' and the update is that I forgot this existed." The saxophones in the background audio, per the original caption, only got louder from there. It's the most-shared thing Rigatoni has ever posted, 186.4K shares and counting, and by his own account the least surprised he's ever been by his own performance review.

When the email says any update on this - top reel

All-Time Top Performer · 3.3M Views

"...the update is that I forgot this existed."

Watch ↗

Now Open

The Pass The Rigatoni company store. Yes, it's real. Yes, he's serious.

After what Rigatoni describes as "a lengthy and thorough vetting process," the company store is officially open. He has personally reviewed and approved every item, a claim that cannot be independently verified but has also not been disputed.

Grand Opening

Now stocked at shop.passtherigatoni.com

Early inventory includes the essentials for anyone reporting to a very small, very serious manager:

The "Do Not Disturb" tee, for meetings you'd rather not be in
The company mug, break room approved
Conference Call Bingo mouse pad, for internal use only
A small collection of stickers, for laptops and morale

Subscribers get first access and a discount, because Rigatoni believes in rewarding whoever actually reads the memo: use code SUBSCRIBER15 for 15% off.

Shop The Store

Executive Order No. 5

Forward this to a coworker who'd actually read a memo like this

You know the one. Sends memes instead of status updates. Has opinions about corporate jargon. Would 100% subscribe if they knew this existed. Rigatoni is asking you to fix that.

Forward the Memo

What's Coming

September: The Return to Office (And Lower Temps)

As operating temperatures drop, Rigatoni plans to transition his primary workstation from the hallway AC vent back to the main rug. On the docket for September: a renewed push for official corporate holiday designation, a strict audit of the evening kibble distribution schedule, and a full review of Q4 nap efficiency metrics.

Rigatoni's Desk

The Rigatoni Report – August 2026: Company Store Launch & AC Vent Access

The Rigatoni Report – September 2026: RTO & Lower Temps

The Rigatoni Report – July 2026: A Formal Grievance Has Been Filed

The Rigatoni Report - June 2026